The Journey

Like most behaviors we have that we aren't proud of, it's considered a mental disorder, a disease.  Codependency its called, or more commonly, Love Addiction.  I have only recently started reading about this, upon the advice of my counselor who is probably just bored of listening to me talk about boys.  From what I make of it so far, those of us who are love addicts can never really have a healthy relationship because we don't really know what a healthy relationship is.  Instead, we purpousley get into relationships with people who activley avoid commitment, intimacy, and love.  Why?  I'm sure there are lots of theories that multiple therapists have come up with.  But I can only attest to myself and my own reasons.  Though I'm not exactly sure what they are either.  Maybe it's the pursuit that I like.  Maybe its the attention.  Maybe it's that passion that you can really only get at the beginning, at the first kiss.  Maybe it's the heartbreak that I'm actually addcited to.  The drama.  A turmoil inside yourself that you actually get to blame on someone else.  But I think what it really comes down to is self-esteem.  It's amazing how far you can lower  your standards when you don't think you deserve any better.  The funny part about this is that I've always thought that I did have high self-esteem, mainly because other people seemed to think so and would compliment me on it.  But I'm not sure exactly what it is they've been seeing and mistaking for esteem.  Maybe just an ability to be social, which those of us who are social, know is just a form of acting.  Regardless, this flux between low and high self-esteem has had me settling for subpar relationships only to panic when I realize how mediocre they are and then feel the need to get out them immediatley.   So in order to find a healthy relationship, which I do indeed want, I'm gonna need to address and tackle all kinds of issues.  On this journey, I invite you along.  I can promise you only brutal honesty, and because of this, you may not much like me as a person.  You won't be the first one.  But there is no other way to achieve happiness.  Just dark, brutal, stomach-wrenching honesty.